Sweet Sadness

When I was ten years old, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  It happened like this.  We went on a family trip to the beach, and I came back with diabetes.  Well, that is the short version of the story.  The friends that we were with at the beach had a daughter with diabetes, and when my sugar was checked, it was obvious I was too.  I always felt like that is when my life started.  I can remember telling my mom, that I was glad it was me.  If anyone in our family was going to have this, it had to be me; I was the only one tough enough.  In a ten-year-old mind, I had an allergy to sugar.

As I grew I never considered having children very seriously.  I figured my life would be like that well known movie, Steel Magnolias.  It was much later when I decided that I loved someone enough to work out all the details of being a diabetic and pregnant.  It was at this time, that I also associate with my committing my life to God, and surrendering to His control.  Never in a million years, did I ever count on having the wonderful daughter I have today.

Tonight, I tucked in my sweet four year old, and prayed many thanks for her great health, her caring heart, and her precious smile.  I am overwhelmed by the incredible gift that she is to me.  The Lord has blessed me beyond what I deserve, and all honor and glory goes to God the father.

As the new school year approaches, I am a little melancholy over the fact that my precious baby will be in K4.  The time has flown by so quickly.  Each day I marvel at the new things she learns and even more so at the things she repeats.  I think everyone should have children, because they are the fasted way to see your personal bad habits!  She says things sometimes, and I have to stop and ask myself, “Do I really sound like that?”  Then I never know whether to laugh or cry when she imitates wearing my insulin pump, or tells me, “Mama, I think I need juice because my blood sugar.”  She also often has to check her sugar and constantly asks when she is going to get her insulin pump.  Through the eyes of a four year old, I am sure that the buttons and alarms are fascinating!

Contrary to the sadness, I also feel the sweet relief of back to school.  Back to school, means back to a regular routine!  Growing up, I hated routine. As an adult I relish in it, I count on it, a routine makes my life and my blood sugars work best.  In all honesty, I look forward to a few hours of silence.  My child inherited my talking, and although it seems foreign to me, there are days, when I WISH for silence! 

On Monday, we go to meet the teacher.  I told her tonight I was going to take lots of pictures.  I am notoriously bad at remembering to take pictures.  Time is moving so quickly I want to remember these days, when she wants me to go with her and hold her hand.  I fear the days of let me go are approaching us faster than I can imagine.  For now, I will have to settle to be out on the gymnastics floor, with a scared kid, a chubby adult surrounded by 3 and 4 years olds, trying to do the splits!

The day I almost died from Yoga

As I have said before in my blog, I am not thin.  I am not active but I need to take better care of myself.  Here is the account of my effort to step out of my comfort zone, try new things, and take a step to better health.  I attended a Yoga class, and this is what happened. 

I have a sweet friend who had been asking me to go with her.  She is encouraging, a wonderful cheerleader and friend.  I say this with all the love in my heart and no intention of hurting feelings, but of course, she is thin.  Before I accepted the invitation, I asked if the class was beginner yoga or bend it like Beckam yoga; I was assured that it was yoga for all levels.  I accepted the invitation and this is what happened.

The room was dimly lit and soft music playing in the background.  Already, I was thinking, “Please, please don’t ask me to hug a tree or recycle something.”  A beautifully toned woman introduced herself to my friend and me.  She was the teacher, and asked if there was anything specific, we wanted to work on.  My answer went something like this; “I have never done this before, so I am going to go with the flow and if I can’t do it I won’t” She smiled and said ok.

The class began with some stretching.  At this point, I was acutely aware of my out of shape-ness.  I guess I could give many lines on shape here, because I have shape, but chubby was not doing me any favors in this class.  The first struggle was the chair position, with no chair.  By the way, when there is a chair, I am great in a chair, but with no actual chair, it only took a minute or two before my out of shape legs started to shake from my own weight.  Then the class continued with many positions that involved being on a mat in a push up pose.  It was at this time, that I realized just how much I weigh.  I mean seriously, I picked this class because I thought I could do some stretches, no big deal!  I had no idea yoga actually makes you use your fat against you.  As I am struggling to keep myself lifted, knees down, I am suddenly happy that one of the three men in class was next to me, only because, he was struggling too, and kept looking at his phone for the time wanting to end the madness.  I glance over at my friend and she was like a champ, lifting and moving, and I am pretty sure at that time, I whispered, I don't like you anymore! ( with a smile of course!)

Class proceeded and I made to the cool down stretch out.  I lay there on the mat praying, “Dear Jesus, please do not let me die tomorrow.  I do not want to regret this, please Lord Jesus, please.”  I was begging and pleading, because I was already wondering how I would get downstairs, my legs felt like mush.  Class finished and I told my dear friend I would let her know the next day if we were still friends.

I am happy to say we are still friends, but I learned a valuable lesson.  I hate yoga.  There is no reason to bend like that!  There is a reason your foot is not suppose to be in your face.  Yoga was not my cup of tea.  I did accept the invitation to the ab class.  I am happy to say, the day after, that ab class was way better than Yoga.  Who doesn’t like to feel like they have been throwing up all night?

Bold

Lately it seems as if life is stressful, and or my mistakes and shortcomings are on the big screen for me and everyone else to see.  As a woman, I often feel responsible for mending things.  I want to be able to fix the problem or mend the relationships around me.  It is my nature to want to give, even if I have no idea how to give.  I find that my heart aches for so many people and reasons, and I am stuck not being able to do anything or fix any of it.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling out of control and without recourse.  The only thing I can give is prayer, and it sometimes it feels as if prayer is not enough.

Then God put this on my heart the other day.   Read in the book of Hosea.  I know you are wondering, Hosea?  Where did that come from?  Well, actually I am behind on my quiet time materials.  (Quiet time materials are something my Pastor offers us, a day-to-day guide to be in the Word of God.)  The book of Hosea is the book for the month of August.  I felt a tugging at my heart, by the Holy Spirit to read the first two chapters.  I read them.  It was about adultery.  Naturally my mind was like,” Ok God, I don’t like this subject, my marriage is happy, what are you really trying to tell me?”  That is when it occurred to me; just what God is telling me.  Chapter 2 of Hosea is a parallel of how Israel is like a cheating wife to God.  It describes how Israel is adulterous and how the consequences from such behavior come and devastate Israel.  It describes the pain suffered and the strife that follows when cheating on God.  Then it goes on to describe how the Lord will reconcile His people and their broken hearts.  He describes a foreshadowing of Jesus and the forgiveness and atonement offered in forgiveness of sins.  It was a great description of life choices, consequences, accountability followed by forgiveness and love.

 

I thought of the stressful relationships in my life.  I thought how as life and people change, it is not really up to me to reconcile or try to fix everything.  My role should be, to accept responsibility for my actions, apologize when I need to, and love as God calls me to love.  I cannot control the reaction of other people; therefore, the Lord is the one who is the reconciler of all things.  It seems so simple!  I am sure that the Lord being called the Reconciler of all things is probably a song lyric or even a verbatim verse some where in the Bible.  However, this is one of those truths that when you hear it, and you say, “Yeah!  Right on, that is MY GOD, the reconciler!”  It doesn’t quite mean some thing until you need reconciliation for something.  I love that the description of the strife and consequences of life result in a second chance.  The use of adultery here, I consider a metaphor for all things that keep you distant from God.  God wants a personal relationship; He wants real worship, love, and faith.  He is not only the reconciler, but also the author of the second chance!  That is something worth saying AMEN over!

After coming to that conclusion I also came to this one.  God wants a personal relationship, prayer is how you talk to God, and IT IS ENOUGH.  God is enough all the time.  I recently listened to one of my brother’s sermons on Boldness.  He talked about praying boldly, and what it would be like if we prayed as big as God is.  He said we often put God in a box that we can understand, but limits God.  God is the creator of the universe, the maker of all things; the book of Isaiah describes how God can measure the earth’s waters in the hollow of his hand. (Isaiah 40:12) I do not know about you, but I think that is AMAZING.  I think my brother had a great point, prayer is enough, and maybe the prayer given should be bold.  A bold prayer is not just about asking for relief in stress or direction in life, but believing God is going to answer you.

My prayer today is that even though life seems hard right now, and control is hard to let go of, God will answer my prayers.  God can achieve all the things that seem impossible, and for those who are reading this, I pray God will answer your prayers, and that the prayers you offer will be bold!

Having it all

When I was growing up a popular mantra was, “You can have it all."  I always heard I could have it all as a woman: a career, a family, and a wonderful vacation filled life.  That is what I thought, and I believed. 

 

Well, in a perfect world where I could have it all, I would be the Last Comic Standing. (yes, really!)  Regardless of what my husband says about my comedic timing, I think I have great jokes.  I am sure that I can have a ton of laughs just based on my family!  I would be able to travel all around the country and my family and husband would love me so much that my absence would not matter.  The money I would send home would be enough to keep everyone happy, well adjusted and cared for.  Now, if only my mother in law would have given me that day off when they auditioned in Austin, life would be different!  Oooo that Suegra!

The mantra that you can have it all is a lie.  The truth is you cannot have it all, there are always consequences.  How many women have had successful careers but failed marriages and troubled relationships with their children?   How many women have a wonderful family life but are criticized for their choice to stay at home?

The actual Truth is, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” Philippians 4:13. However, the verses before this truth reveal something that I believe is too often over looked.  Philippians 4:11-12:  "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  Okay, I don’t know about you, but the verses I underlined just slap me in the face!  What?  Be content with whatever the circumstance.  Hey wait a minute; I am not the Last Comic Standing…. Is that ok?

The last week was rough.  I work part time, mother full time, and wife full time.  My job is not overly demanding, yet it is a job that has to be done to the best of my abilities.  However, I find that while trying to have it all, there are many things that go un-noticed, half done, or over-looked.  At the end of the day I think, if I had managed my time better, my house would be cleaner, all my emails answered, and dinner perfect with every food group.  The truth is that you can not have it all without doing something half way.

The secret is to be who you are supposed to be, what God calls you to be.  I think everyone has a place and purpose.  I can do all things with God who strengthens me, but I also need to recognize when I need to be content in the things God has provided for me. Then verses 6-7 come to mind, “⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  

 I love these verses because it gives me assurance that through prayer, I can ask for a change in situation; or I am given peace to accept the situation.   I find that chapter 4 in the book of Philippians has held me hostage for more than a week.  I find great comfort and conflict in these verses.  (The conflict is in my willingness to obey the directions to attaining contentment, and make it about me rather than about God.) I cannot have it all, I cannot be it all, and I am not good when I try to have it all.  I have to recognize my limitations and realize that God is the Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. GOD gives me just what I need.  He gives me my needs, but not always my wants. When my needs are met, I can be content.  Now the trick is to keep my wants in check!

 

Friendship

The one certain thing in life is change; it is inevitable.  I have been thinking a lot about the evolution of friendships.  Here are my friendship categories: 

Category 1 Agape Friends:  Agape friends are the people I attended elementary school with.  Agape Christian school was the name of the school that I attended Pre-Kinder - 6th grade.  During that time there were approximately 18 of us, who lived, breathed, and were everything to each other.  There were no real outsiders.  We had all basically known each other from birth, and even though we had our tiffs, we were always united against the enemy. (The enemy being any teacher aide that did not treat us right, two come to mind!)  To this day, I can talk to any one of these friends, and it is if no time has passed and we still share a real love for one another. 

Category 2 Jr High and High School friends:  These friends share a common tragedy.  We lived through the worst school bus accident in the history of Texas.  It was September 21st and 21 students died.  Each one of us can remember where we were when we got the news of our fellow students dying.  We can remember the chaos and sadness of the days that followed.  As the graduating class of 1995, we may not have all been friends or for that matter even got along well, but we all were uniquely unified in shared grief, loss, and love.

Category 3 College Friends:  These are the friends I remember my mom saying are your "lifetime friends."  I am confident that I definitely have a few lifetime friends from college.  After all, how many people will you trust to take you out drinking on your 21st birthday? (Insert disclaimer here) I am not, nor have I ever been a huge drinker, but I did celebrate my 21st birthday with two and half drinks!  That is all it took before the word UP fascinated me for approximately an hour.  My college girls are the ones that were destine to help shape who I was going to be, and according to one of my roommates,"God sent me to you, to thaw your cold cold heart!"  That still makes me laugh.

Category 4  Church and Mommy friends:   These are friendships that I am still developing.  Friends that I share the commonality of our children being the same age.  Friends that share our Faith in Jesus.  Friends that are willing to let me play Bunco with them even if I can not count and talk at the same time.  These are friends that I hope will someday be the people I can count on to pray with me through my daughter's teenage years!

The thing about friendship is you grow up, and you grow apart.  Time passes and you realize it has been about a million years since you have talk to your "friend."  There are those that you can talk to and it is like no time has passed, and you can still share and laugh as though your time together was yesterday.  Then there are friends who you just loose contact with and when you talk, you realize that you don't know each other anymore. I think the key to lasting friendship is love.  I may not know you anymore, I may not know what you are doing every day, but I still love you.  I still think of you from time to time and remember the wonderful times we shared.  Change is inevitable, but love can last forever.

This weekend, we heard of a dear friend that passed away very unexpectedly.  He was a friend of my husband.  He was a groomsman in our wedding.  We have daughters the same age.  When I heard the news I cried; I mean, I broke down and cried.  It wasn't because I knew him well.  It isn't because his wife and I are close friends.  It is because the love found in sharing a brief moment of life together.  It is because he was one of my husband's best friends, and he was kind, caring, and a good friend to him.  Life changes, but love doesn't end. 

While crying this is the verse that came to me, "Jesus Wept" John 11:35.  To give a little context: Lazarus was dying and Mary and Martha, his sisters, had sent for Jesus to come and heal him.  Jesus did not come to their home until after Lazarus had died.  Jesus was greeted by Martha who told him that Lazarus was dead. ²⁵ Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; ²⁶ and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”  After Martha said that she believed and took Jesus to the tomb where they had laid Lazarus to rest, that is when you read, "Jesus wept."  I read a commentary about this passage, it said how interesting it was that Jesus wept, knowing and having already said that Lazarus would rise and live again.  You see Lazarus was no stranger to Jesus, neither were Mary and Martha.  They were some of Jesus' dedicated followers and I would include friends.  While Jesus knew that Lazarus was dead, His love for him remained.  Jesus knew with the power of the holy spirit that Lazarus would live, but it still made His heart hurt.  Jesus' love remained.


Friendships they come and go.  People grow up, they grow apart, they move away, or they pass away BUT love is the only thing that doesn't change.  My husband and I often say,"God calls us to love one another," but how are we really loving one another?   It occurs to me, that sometimes love is not about the words, but it is equally about the actions.  "Jesus wept."  What a powerful statement of friendship and love.  Friendships don't have to be an every day all the time conversation.  However, they do have to have a genuine love for one another exemplified by the emotional support we give each other.  



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Prayer Impact

When I was a little girl, almost every Saturday night my family would go to visit “The Tias.”  (Tias is the Spanish word for Aunts.)  We had four that we visited regularly.  Three of them lived together and the fourth lived near by, and was usually with the other three.  My aunt Lulu, was the oldest of “The Tias” and my memory of her is simple.  Every year at Christmas, we had a tradition.  We would go to her house and she would measure me for my Christmas present, a nightgown.  She would make the nightgown in a traditional pioneer style, length to my ankles, neck covered, and long sleeves.   Then there was my sweet Aunt Ester.  She was ALWAYS in the kitchen and always ready with a snack and a smile.  My Aunt Millie was and still is very much the matriarch of her family.  She never married, and made it her personal responsibility to take care of everyone in her own special way.  Lastly, there is Aunt Angie, my personal favorite.  She is the baby sister to “The Tias” and to my grandmother.  I always saw her as being somewhat cool, after all, she drove a Monte Carlo and I was 10.  Nearly every Saturday when we would go to visit, my brother, sister and I would hide. (In the same spot every time!)  We would pretend that my parents had come to visit “The Tias” without us kids.  Every time we would jump out and every time they would act surprised. 

The point of my story is that besides all the fun memories of visiting my Tias, they played an important role in my life, and the life of my siblings.  My Tias always prayed for us.  I often think there have been few others who prayed for us as faithfully as they did.  They use to pray for all the kids of each family by name.  They were wonderful role models of prayer in action.  To this day, I cannot talk to my Aunt Angie without her breaking into prayer in the middle of the conversation.  She will be asking me how I am doing, and then she will trail off and sound something like this…..

“Aye Mijita, Lord be with you and bless you and give you his Armor of protection!  In His precious son Jesus’ name, Amen.” 

It was just last fall, when I realized what she was praying for me.

Ephesians 6: 11, 13-17

¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I read these verses as a part of a Bible Study at church.  The study was Kay Arthur’s Covenant study.  This is by far the best study I have taken to date.  It gave more insight into the Lord’s love and commitment to His people than I had ever learned.  For years, my tias, specifically, my aunt Angie, had been praying this for me.  I am not sure that she even realized the impact of her simple prayer for me.  I could spend a whole blog just discussing these verses, and I may do that some day, but today, I am going to let them stand on their own with no explanation of the power found in them.

My thoughts are here today, because I have been considering different types of service to the Lord.  Today, I made a decision to follow a possible opportunity of service.  I am both excited and scared.  I am not sure if this is where the Lord wants me. However, I have a good feeling that it is; because, the moment that I made the call to discuss the service position, is also the moment that I felt inadequate.  I find that when the enemy attacks me, he is often disguised as me.  I began to question my capabilities, but the Lord brought me back here.   He reminded me that I am indeed cloaked with His Armor!

If this service opportunity works out, I will be sure to let you know what the Lord is doing in my heart.  This is just another step in my journey to be average in the world, but great in God.

Love Like Mine

It was storming outside.  The rain was coming down hard, and the thunder and lightning were a blessing from God.  The lightning made the church stained glass windows look beautiful, as the scene was set.  It was 6:00 and I was about to get married.  Everything was perfect, the church was full of friends and family, and I was so excited to marry a man who made me happy.

Rewind exactly 10 months:

I worked as a manager for Bath & Body Works.  This particular day I was at the front door greeting people as they came in my store.  That is when he walked in.  He was with two women!  He was very tall, and had a friendly smile.  As part of our product demonstration, I was wearing a sticker that said, “Ask me for a free hand massage.”  When He asked for the hand massage, I did not think much of it, until I noticed his hands were very dry.  To which I said,” We need to get some stronger moisturizer, you have dry hands.”  Then small talk proceeded.  He left the store with his women (mom and grandma) and that is what I thought was the end of it.

When he left, he turned to his grandmother and said, that girl sure was cute!  She said, “Well then quit being a chicken, and go ask her for her number!”  He entered the store, and I noticed him immediately.  I thought, “What is he doing back in here?”  Then I noticed that he has selected one small man product.  When I approached him, I said not very nicely,” What are you doing back?” Then I heard honesty like never before, “This is my lame attempt to find out what you are doing later.”  Laughter erupted, that was only the beginning of the laughter we would share.

Fast Forward to my wedding day:

It was 6:00 and the ceremony was about to start.  I was waiting with my dad in the bride’s room, getting ready to change my name and life forever.  My dad and I shared a brief hug and kiss, brief because I was afraid I would start to cry and not be able to pull myself together before the service.  The ceremony was perfect.  It was traditional, short, and sweet.  As people left the church, the wedding party filed back in to take pictures.  This is where things got a little wild.

It was approximately 6:45 when I began looking for my new husband.  I had completed all the pictures with the bridesmaids.  While we were taking pictures, the groom and groomsmen asked if it was alright for them to change.  I said sure, no problem, I knew they wanted out of the tuxedo pants and into jeans.  At 6:45, I asked where is my husband?  It was then that someone told me, he had left the church with the groomsmen.  WHAT???????  HE LEFT ME AT THE CHURCH??????

OK, well I would love to tell you that I was nice and lady like at this point, but I wasn’t.  I used language no one should ever use.  Language that might make a sailor blush!  At last, we reunited outside the reception hall.  All eye makeup was gone, tears dried and swollen eyed, we walked into the reception together!  Frankly, I do not remember much after that.  We shook hands with guests, danced, missed the meal, and ate just the bite of cake we gave each other.

When I look back now, 9 years later, I feel so blessed.  It occurs to me that the Lord knew what he was doing by giving me, my husband.  I actually find the whole story funny and beautiful all at the same time.  I know the Pastor that married us thought we would not last.  I think the real testimony to our story is that we will and have.  In our first day of marriage, we had to learn something that not everyone can learn nor do well.  We had to learn to forgive, move on, and laugh at it all.  It also showed something more profound than we knew at the time.  Marriage is not about the big fancy dress or the party; it is about the love you share.  Our love was big enough to handle being left at the church!  Every year, we laugh about this, and joke that we celebrate on the 30^th instead.  The truth is I would not change anything about that day.  (Well, I might change the language!)  I got exactly what I wanted.  I had a beautiful church wedding.  I married a man whom I love so dearly, now more than ever, but almost equally important he makes me laugh.

9 years later, I am still happy and we are still laughing.  I love you honey!